It started as a result of an accident, the details of the accident are not important. The results are, various injuries were sustained. Physical and Mental
The physical injuries were treated as best they could be, but there was an underlying injury that wasn’t diagnosed for some time.
I had sustained a Brain Injury (which was not obvious at first to others) I put down my ‘Behaviour’ as being a result of suffering a near fatal accident.
I am going to keep this as Brief as I can as it is still ongoing.
Can you imagine Going to bed tonight, and when you wake up in the morning, you are in somebody else’s body, but you have all their memories, but you are not them
Well that’s what it is like.
Prior to my problems, I always believed that mental health doctors and nurses were ‘Made Up’ jobs, I mean after all I had coped with a load of shit in my life and I was ok, until now.
What went wrong, well I was a new person in somebody else’s body, how fucked up would you feel, I was angry, sad, confused, numb. I also had PTSD (post traumatic Stress Disorder) (another condition that I believed was made up) I was lucky enough to be treated at a private hospital (Ticehurst House) East Sussex  for this treatment cost 6k and was a two week stay in a posh castle type hospital, but It worked (took about a year of hard work) this treatment is not available on the NHS so I do consider myself lucky.
Once this was addressed, it left behind clearer aspects of my mental health to deal with, (now its hard to put all this into perspective but to give you an idea we are talking about 10 years from RTA until now.
I travelled the country seeing specialists going from one to another,
Each confirming the Brain Injury and trying treatments of all varieties, Surprisingly the treatment I found most effective was ‘Cognitive Behaviour Therapy’ at Leamington Rehab Hospital, this involved talking loads and loads of it, and challenging your beliefs and way of thinking, This doesn’t get rid of the problems merely lets you control the outcome of them,
I see various Psychiatrists and Councillors these days, and they act as ‘An Outlet’ but my Demons remain
I have a ‘saying’ that helps me explain things a little
There will always be Demons.
Some days the Demons Win
Some days the Demons Loose
And tomorrow the battle starts again

I have tried to explain this unemotionally up to this point
Now I want to try and explain ‘Me’
I am now a new person; I don’t know who I am, but am learning all the time.
I can go weeks and months without speaking to people, even posting on a forum is impossible, I find it hard to phone people or ask for help, I keep myself busy, very busy so the demons don’t intrude, peace and quiet doesn’t exist, even when I am alone, lay there doing nothing, my mind is racing, battling the demons.
My feelings and how they affect me:
Anger: I get so very angry all the time, why?, I don’t know, I can wake up ready to beat the fuck out of someone.
Alertness: My Mind is so Busy all the time, I get tired, but cannot sleep, I get exhausted but cannot slow down
Happiness: I can be ‘Hyper Happy’ but these are always followed by a HyperDowner’
Sadness: I can feel really sad, it’s never Pity, which I find confusing, I never expect nor want pity, and now never feel sorry for myself, which I do find odd, because it is human nature to have these feelings.
Confusion: A lot of the time I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, and rely on certain procedures to help me
Emotional attachment: this I find odd, everyone I have met Post RTA is ok, I seem to be able to form ‘Normal’ relationships with, but people I know from Pre RTA dates, its like I know what I Should feel about them, but it all feels different.
Now the Biggy (for me anyway)
I Self Harm – Why?
Well it’s not for attention – I Never tell anyone, not even my GP when the cuts are very severe.
Loads of people think that self harm is for attention only.
Well bollocks they aint got a clue
The reason I do it is, If I don’t hurt myself then I AM going to do it to others, I have tried countless other methods of trying to find an alternative Outlet, but nothing else works as well, I do self harm less and less over time, but it is slow.
Now I know the self harm bit makes me sound like a loon, but I am as normal as anyone else here, instead of smashing a plate or bashing a door, that’s what I have to do to keep going.
I know strictly I haven’t talked about depression, but the depressive aspect is intertwined with the Brain Injury (I am sure that those reading can tell which parts)

I am not sure what more can be said except to give you one more example of how this affects me.
I was at home and asked If I wanted a burger, I said yes, and it arrived on bread, not a cob, bread, I absolutely flipped, because in my mind you could not have a burger without a bun,
Thinking is no longer a logical process, for me a logical thought must pass through a load of other processes, before it is clear. I have learned to hide this well. Very well